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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.

Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.
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Chicago Teachers Go On Strike

Unable to reach an agreement with city officials on issues of job security, health benefits, and teacher evaluations, 26,000 employees of Chicago’s public schools went on strike today, canceling classes for 400,000 students. What do you think?

  • “But where will the kids go to shoot one another?”

    Marlon Coopwood Almond Huller
  • “It’s hard to feel sorry for these teachers when you see them driving around in their lavish Toyota Corollas, eating out of their fancy sack lunches.”

    Fiona Zachary Garment Weigher
  • “That old cow should burn Chicago down again so the city can just start over.”

    William Fetzer Systems Analyst

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