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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Chicago Teachers Go On Strike

Unable to reach an agreement with city officials on issues of job security, health benefits, and teacher evaluations, 26,000 employees of Chicago’s public schools went on strike today, canceling classes for 400,000 students. What do you think?

  • “But where will the kids go to shoot one another?”

    Marlon Coopwood Almond Huller
  • “It’s hard to feel sorry for these teachers when you see them driving around in their lavish Toyota Corollas, eating out of their fancy sack lunches.”

    Fiona Zachary Garment Weigher
  • “That old cow should burn Chicago down again so the city can just start over.”

    William Fetzer Systems Analyst
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