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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.
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Chicago Will Require Graduating Students To Have Post-School Plan

Starting in 2020, Chicago public high school students won’t be able to graduate without a school-approved plan for the future, such as college enrollment or a job offer. What do you think?

  • “I’m worried this doesn’t do enough to avoid addressing the core problems with our education system.”

    Marcus Gagliardi Fossil Appraiser
  • “This is just the motivation our teens need to abandon their naive, open-minded enthusiasm about the future.”

    Sarah Krewson Wax Fruit Inspector
  • “Does starting a band called ThugHammer count as a plan? Because it shouldn’t.”

    Craig Pavlovich Mob Informant

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