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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Chicken Pox Lollipops Ineffective

Health officials are warning that a recent parenting trend of giving children a lollipop licked by a child with chicken pox instead of using a vaccine is not only ineffective, but also poses numerous other health risks. What do you think?

  • "That is ridiculous. Everyone knows sharing the same toilet seat works far better."

    Michael Cruikshank Glass Sander
  • "Additionally, kissing a broken arm is not adequate treatment for such an injury. You have to rub it with a half-eaten Big Mac from someone else who has a broken arm."

    Jill Lewis Towel-Cabinet Repairer
  • "Besides getting chicken pox, the only other risk I foresee is getting stuck with a green lollipop. Turns your whole damn mouth green. Sick."

    Jason Kirkland Unemployed

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