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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Childhood ADHD Linked To Obesity Later In Life

A study found that 41 percent of males who were diagnosed with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder in elementary school were classified as obese at age 41, compared to just 22 percent among those with no history of the condition. What do you think?

  • “I knew there had to be a drawback.”

    Ralph Metzman Benefits Clerk
  • “God damn it, why does everything have to make me fat?”

    Sue Lombard Slag Worker
  • “And then they’ll finally fit in.”

    Herb Johnson Slipcover Cutter

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