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New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.
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Children’s Book Pulled For Flawed Depiction Of Slavery

Scholastic has pulled their title A Birthday Cake For George Washington, a picture book about Washington’s slaves proudly preparing for his birthday party, due to many parents’ complaints that it misinforms children by romanticizing the relationship house slaves historically had with their masters. What do you think?

  • “Well, most children’s literature requires a suspension of disbelief.”

    Retha Hopper Commercial Clairvoyant
  • “This is a huge disservice to kids who want to learn the history of George Washington’s birthday cake.”

    Gerald Funke Systems Analyst
  • “Looks like the value of my copy just skyrocketed.”

    Nic Anderton Bridge Suspender

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