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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Children’s Book Pulled For Flawed Depiction Of Slavery

Scholastic has pulled their title A Birthday Cake For George Washington, a picture book about Washington’s slaves proudly preparing for his birthday party, due to many parents’ complaints that it misinforms children by romanticizing the relationship house slaves historically had with their masters. What do you think?

  • “Well, most children’s literature requires a suspension of disbelief.”

    Retha Hopper Commercial Clairvoyant
  • “This is a huge disservice to kids who want to learn the history of George Washington’s birthday cake.”

    Gerald Funke Systems Analyst
  • “Looks like the value of my copy just skyrocketed.”

    Nic Anderton Bridge Suspender

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