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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Children’s Book Pulled For Flawed Depiction Of Slavery

Scholastic has pulled their title A Birthday Cake For George Washington, a picture book about Washington’s slaves proudly preparing for his birthday party, due to many parents’ complaints that it misinforms children by romanticizing the relationship house slaves historically had with their masters. What do you think?

  • “Well, most children’s literature requires a suspension of disbelief.”

    Retha Hopper Commercial Clairvoyant
  • “This is a huge disservice to kids who want to learn the history of George Washington’s birthday cake.”

    Gerald Funke Systems Analyst
  • “Looks like the value of my copy just skyrocketed.”

    Nic Anderton Bridge Suspender
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