Children's Stair Injuries Down Nearly 12%

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Vol 48 Issue 11

Still Some Nutella Left In Jar, Reports Depression

TIGARD, OR—Citing the fact that having another spoonful or two wasn't going to make much of a difference at this point anyway, a crippling bout of clinical depression reported Tuesday there was definitely still some Nutella left in that jar. 

In Over Your Head

We're talking $1,310 a month for the next 30 years of your life—that's until 2042 and doesn't even begin to include property taxes.
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  • The Onion’s Guide To Gym Etiquette

    Every new year brings a surge in gym membership from new members nicknamed “resolutionists,” many of whom may be unaware that there are unspoken rules everyone must observe when working out.

Children's Stair Injuries Down Nearly 12%

A study from Nationwide Children's Hospital in Columbus, OH reports that, while a child is hospitalized every six minutes with a stair-related injury, the number of incidences has fallen 11.6 percent since 1999. What do you think?

  • "Stairs are safer than ever, especially with new safety features like railing airbags and antilock steps."

    Matianne Hall
    Systems Analyst
  • “I assume there’s been a commensurate rise in escalator maimings and fire-pole catastrophes.”

    Charles Staple
    Cap Maker
  • "Not a surprise that numbers went down. The American standard of living was at its high point in 1999, and everyone had a ridiculous number of stories on their houses."

    Ryan Panter
    Unemployed
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