adBlockCheck

Recent News

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
End Of Section
  • More News

Children's Stair Injuries Down Nearly 12%

A study from Nationwide Children's Hospital in Columbus, OH reports that, while a child is hospitalized every six minutes with a stair-related injury, the number of incidences has fallen 11.6 percent since 1999. What do you think?

  • "Stairs are safer than ever, especially with new safety features like railing airbags and antilock steps."

    Matianne Hall Systems Analyst
  • “I assume there’s been a commensurate rise in escalator maimings and fire-pole catastrophes.”

    Charles Staple Cap Maker
  • "Not a surprise that numbers went down. The American standard of living was at its high point in 1999, and everyone had a ridiculous number of stories on their houses."

    Ryan Panter Unemployed

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close