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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Chile Quake Shifted Earth's Axis

The recent earthquake in Chile shifted the axis of the earth 3 inches and made the day 1.26 microseconds shorter. What do you think?
  • "Now when am I supposed to find time to go to the gym?"

    Walter Brooke-Taylor Agate Setter
  • "Though God did inflict great suffering with Haiti's earthquake, He showed His mercy by causing another and shortening the length of the miserable days endured by the Haitian people."

    Paul Garden Unemployed
  • "We'll all just have to work a little harder around here, then, won't we?"

    Tabitha Oddie Genealogist
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