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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Chile's Pinochet Dead

Chilean dictator Augusto Pinochet died Sunday at 91. What do you think?
  • "He was a complicated figure. On the one hand, he killed thousands of people. On the other hand, I don't know much more about him."

    Ian Cocker Customs Agent
  • "I would die, too, if my country were run by some woman calling herself 'The President.'"

    Jessica Loerber Computer Consultant
  • "At least he kept communism out of the country the only way a Fascist, bloodthirsty dictator could."

    Colin Gimeno Construction Worker

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