Chimp Genome Mapped

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Meteorologists Say Upcoming Hurricane Season To Be Permanent

SILVER SPRING, MD—Warning residents to prepare for extreme winds, heavy rainfall, and flooding starting in the near future and continuing indefinitely, meteorologists at the National Weather Service announced Friday that the upcoming hurricane season would be permanent.
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  • Man’s Body Running Out Of Ideas To Convince Him He Full

    BAYTOWN, TX—Having repeatedly ratcheted up the 34-year-old’s level of discomfort with no noticeable effect on his behavior, the body of local man Kent Dugan confirmed Wednesday that it was starting to run out of ideas to convince him that he was full.

Chimp Genome Mapped

Scientists have mapped the complete chimp genome and are comparing it to the human genome to see what sets the two species apart. What do you think?
  • "Finally, we might begin to get some answers to... to... you know, all our most pressing chimp questions."

    Hans Krauth
    Accountant
  • "Can I use this information to make my arms longer but not hairier?"

    Patricia Holbrook
    Waitress
  • "This is secular humanism at its worst. What about mapping Christ's genome?"

    Sebastian Soriano
    Aircraft Mechanic