Chimp Genome Mapped

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Vol 41 Issue 36

Strategic Oil Reserves

In the wake of Hurricane Katrina, President Bush is tapping the strategic oil reserve to help petroleum refiners. What do you think?

CBGB's Lease Expires

The landlord of the CBGB's building announced that he will not renew the lease of the legendary New York club. What do you think?
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Good Times

Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

Technology

Technology Unfortunately Allows Distant Friends To Reconnect

WAYNE, PA—Providing them the tools necessary to bridge a gap that both individuals say they were more than willing to maintain indefinitely, sources confirmed Monday that the advent of modern technology has unfortunately allowed distant friends Mere...

Chimp Genome Mapped

Scientists have mapped the complete chimp genome and are comparing it to the human genome to see what sets the two species apart. What do you think?
  • "Finally, we might begin to get some answers to... to... you know, all our most pressing chimp questions."

    Hans Krauth
    Accountant
  • "Can I use this information to make my arms longer but not hairier?"

    Patricia Holbrook
    Waitress
  • "This is secular humanism at its worst. What about mapping Christ's genome?"

    Sebastian Soriano
    Aircraft Mechanic
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