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Chimps In Danger Of Extinction

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Chimps In Danger Of Extinction

Researchers recently said that the chimpanzee, hunted for meat and threatened by deforestation, could be extinct in 50 years. What do you think?
  • "Oh, boo hoo. They had their chance."

    David Price Civil Engineer
  • "As a poacher, whenever I catch a chimp, I just throw it back. I'm after the tastier marmosets."

    Ravi Klun Poacher
  • "Well, I say it's one less species who will masturbate in public. Good riddance!"

    Inez Rahman Pedicurist
  • "What?! Oh, chimps. I thought you said 'chicks.' Shit. Wow. For a second there... fuck."

    Wade Caho Jr. Artist
  • "Crap! We'd better remake The Barefoot Executive now, before it's too late."

    Robert Hegeman Systems Analyst
  • "They're being hunted for meat? Are chimp fajitas any good?"

    Dorothee Fochs Statistician

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