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Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.

Veteran Given Hero’s Welcome Back To Afghanistan

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Waving flags and breaking into cheers the moment they spotted the veteran, dozens of joyous citizens gave Marine Pfc. Victor Rosas, 23, a hero’s welcome back to Afghanistan, sources reported Tuesday.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.
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Chimps In Danger Of Extinction

Researchers recently said that the chimpanzee, hunted for meat and threatened by deforestation, could be extinct in 50 years. What do you think?
  • "Oh, boo hoo. They had their chance."

    David Price Civil Engineer
  • "As a poacher, whenever I catch a chimp, I just throw it back. I'm after the tastier marmosets."

    Ravi Klun Poacher
  • "Well, I say it's one less species who will masturbate in public. Good riddance!"

    Inez Rahman Pedicurist
  • "What?! Oh, chimps. I thought you said 'chicks.' Shit. Wow. For a second there... fuck."

    Wade Caho Jr. Artist
  • "Crap! We'd better remake The Barefoot Executive now, before it's too late."

    Robert Hegeman Systems Analyst
  • "They're being hunted for meat? Are chimp fajitas any good?"

    Dorothee Fochs Statistician

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