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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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China Hacks 'New York Times,' 'Wall Street Journal'

The New York Times and The Wall Street Journal announced that hackers in China had stolen reporters’ passwords, accessed email accounts, and used malware to gain entry to the newspapers’ computer networks. What do you think?

  • “Son of a bitch. How many times do you have to tell Maureen Dowd to add a numeral at the end of her ‘redhotmomma’ password?”

    Dean Maslow Insulator Tester
  • “Makes sense. I can’t imagine how expensive delivering the paper over there would be.”

    Dianne Ahi Grit Removal Specialist
  • “Did they by chance get the answers to today’s crossword? So far I just have 3 across and 1 down, but I don’t think they’re real words.”

    Kirby Lewis Systems Analyst

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