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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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China Hacks 'New York Times,' 'Wall Street Journal'

The New York Times and The Wall Street Journal announced that hackers in China had stolen reporters’ passwords, accessed email accounts, and used malware to gain entry to the newspapers’ computer networks. What do you think?

  • “Son of a bitch. How many times do you have to tell Maureen Dowd to add a numeral at the end of her ‘redhotmomma’ password?”

    Dean Maslow Insulator Tester
  • “Makes sense. I can’t imagine how expensive delivering the paper over there would be.”

    Dianne Ahi Grit Removal Specialist
  • “Did they by chance get the answers to today’s crossword? So far I just have 3 across and 1 down, but I don’t think they’re real words.”

    Kirby Lewis Systems Analyst

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