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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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China Hacks 'New York Times,' 'Wall Street Journal'

The New York Times and The Wall Street Journal announced that hackers in China had stolen reporters’ passwords, accessed email accounts, and used malware to gain entry to the newspapers’ computer networks. What do you think?

  • “Son of a bitch. How many times do you have to tell Maureen Dowd to add a numeral at the end of her ‘redhotmomma’ password?”

    Dean Maslow Insulator Tester
  • “Makes sense. I can’t imagine how expensive delivering the paper over there would be.”

    Dianne Ahi Grit Removal Specialist
  • “Did they by chance get the answers to today’s crossword? So far I just have 3 across and 1 down, but I don’t think they’re real words.”

    Kirby Lewis Systems Analyst
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