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China Hacks 'New York Times,' 'Wall Street Journal'

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NFL Vows To Fix Bottomless Pit On Levi’s Stadium Field Before Super Bowl

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following persistent safety concerns regarding the playing surface throughout the regular season, the NFL made firm assurances Friday to both the Denver Broncos and Carolina Panthers that the bottomless pit in the middle of the field at Levi’s Stadium will be fully repaired before Super Bowl 50.

Area Man Would Hate Cam Newton Even If He Was Different Minority

MURRAY, KY—Adamantly stressing that his disdain for the 26-year-old quarterback is not based on any racial prejudice toward African Americans, local 49-year-old Michael Willet told reporters Friday that he would hate Cam Newton even if the Carolina Panthers star was a different minority.

Monocle-Wearing Oil Baron’s Cigarette Holder Splinters In Clenched Teeth After Hearing Bernie Sanders’ Environmental Platform

GREENWICH, CT—Leaving him visibly seething as he sat in his tufted leather wingback chair in his study, monocle-wearing oil baron Frederick Porter Harriman’s ivory-inlaid cigarette holder reportedly splintered between his clenched teeth upon him hearing presidential candidate Bernie Sanders outline his environmental platform during Thursday night’s Democratic debate.
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China Hacks 'New York Times,' 'Wall Street Journal'

The New York Times and The Wall Street Journal announced that hackers in China had stolen reporters’ passwords, accessed email accounts, and used malware to gain entry to the newspapers’ computer networks. What do you think?

  • “Son of a bitch. How many times do you have to tell Maureen Dowd to add a numeral at the end of her ‘redhotmomma’ password?”

    Dean Maslow
    Insulator Tester
  • “Makes sense. I can’t imagine how expensive delivering the paper over there would be.”

    Dianne Ahi
    Grit Removal Specialist
  • “Did they by chance get the answers to today’s crossword? So far I just have 3 across and 1 down, but I don’t think they’re real words.”

    Kirby Lewis
    Systems Analyst

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