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China Quarantines Mexicans

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‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.
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China Quarantines Mexicans

Hoping to contain the swine flu, China is rounding up visitors from Mexico and holding them in conditions that Mexican government has described as "unacceptable." What do you think?
  • “At least in America we pay them $3 an hour to be in those conditions.”

    Tommy Williamson Luggage Repairer
  • “This is awful news for the millions of Mexican college kids who traditionally flock to rural China for its cheap drinks and holiday atmosphere.”

    Marianne Parsone Watch Repairer
  • “This is eerily similar to the internment of the Japanese during the Vietnam…er, the Civil…er, World War…agh! History!”

    Nathaniel Campos Jig Borer

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