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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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China Warns U.S. Not To Default On Debt

Leaders in China, which owns $1.28 trillion in U.S. Treasury bonds, warned that a default by the United States would have global ramifications and urged American lawmakers to work harder to raise the debt ceiling before the country hits its borrowing limit on Oct. 17. What do you think?

  • “So it was just about the money for them all along?”

    Frank Fenton Hat Trimmer
  • “This probably isn’t a great time to ask, but I could sure use a loan from the Chinese.”

    Annette Groom Real Estate Lawyer
  • “I’d love to help out, but I’ve only got $878 billion.”

    John DeTitta Malt House Operator

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