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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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China Warns U.S. Not To Default On Debt

Leaders in China, which owns $1.28 trillion in U.S. Treasury bonds, warned that a default by the United States would have global ramifications and urged American lawmakers to work harder to raise the debt ceiling before the country hits its borrowing limit on Oct. 17. What do you think?

  • “So it was just about the money for them all along?”

    Frank Fenton Hat Trimmer
  • “This probably isn’t a great time to ask, but I could sure use a loan from the Chinese.”

    Annette Groom Real Estate Lawyer
  • “I’d love to help out, but I’ve only got $878 billion.”

    John DeTitta Malt House Operator
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