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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.
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China's Next Leader Vanishes

The Chinese government has failed to explain why Xi Jinping, widely presumed to be named the country’s new president in a few weeks, has not been seen in public for the past 10 days, leading to widespread speculation over his whereabouts and health. What do you think?

  • “Maybe he just needed some Xi time.”

    Val Donoho Hairpiece Stylist
  • “Can’t a guy hit Six Flags Wuhan for a few days without everyone getting on his case?”

    Nelson Shipp Asphalt Heater Tender
  • “No big deal. They can just have an election.”

    Kitty Kositchek Unemployed

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