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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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China's Next Leader Vanishes

The Chinese government has failed to explain why Xi Jinping, widely presumed to be named the country’s new president in a few weeks, has not been seen in public for the past 10 days, leading to widespread speculation over his whereabouts and health. What do you think?

  • “Maybe he just needed some Xi time.”

    Val Donoho Hairpiece Stylist
  • “Can’t a guy hit Six Flags Wuhan for a few days without everyone getting on his case?”

    Nelson Shipp Asphalt Heater Tender
  • “No big deal. They can just have an election.”

    Kitty Kositchek Unemployed

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