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Universe Crueler, More Uncaring Place Than Previously Thought

The universe, long known as a bleak and unforgiving place where essentially nothing matters, is in fact even crueler and more heartless than previously thought, according to a startling report published Tuesday by scientists at the Institute for Advanced ...

North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Nuclear Warhead Thrilled For Chance To Finally Escape North Korea

PYONGYANG—Saying its spirits were immediately buoyed upon hearing Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un’s recent statement that the military was close to developing an intercontinental ballistic missile, a North Korean nuclear warhead reported Tuesday that it was thrilled for the chance to finally escape the country.

Pope Francis Carves Roast Cherub For Vatican Christmas Dinner

VATICAN CITY—After pulling a probe thermometer from its thigh and tasting a piece of crispy golden-brown skin, Pope Francis began carving a slow-roasted 18-pound cherub for the Vatican’s annual Christmas feast, sources within the Holy See reported Sunday.

Vatican Putting Out Feelers For How Public Would React To Another Children’s Crusade

VATICAN CITY—Saying they had been giving some thought recently to the idea of sending legions of Christian boys and girls to retake the Holy Land and wanted to gauge the level of support, Vatican officials reportedly began putting out feelers Wednesday to determine how the public might react to another Children’s Crusade, much as was attempted in the year 1212.
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China's Nuclear Buildup

According to a new CIA report, China is expected to have as many as 100 long-range nuclear missiles aimed at the U.S. by 2015. What do you think?
  • "We don't need to worry about the Chinese using nukes. They'd first need to find an unpopulated area to test them."

    Max Koenig Systems Analyst
  • "Would it be culturally insensitive of me to say I hope they don't blast us to atoms? I don't want to offend anybody."

    Connie Vance Graduate Student
  • "Maybe it's time to flood China with opium again. Failing that, flood me with opium."

    Dan Essen Plumber
  • "If only Sting had possessed the foresight to hope that the Chinese love their two government-allotted children, too."

    Milt Odom Lawyer
  • "We shouldn't worry. Judicious use of force is the traditional and typical of Chinese glorious history and cultural."

    Ken Yaeger Roofer
  • "Doesn't China know that only the U.S. is responsible enough to have a nuclear arsenal?"

    Sylvia Coombes Graphic Designer

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