China's Nuclear Buildup

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Vol 38 Issue 01

Manufacturer Manufactures Love To Wife

WILMINGTON, DE—In an efficient and deeply meaningful act of sexual expression, eraser manufacturer Ted Wyczinski manufactured sweet love to his wife Monday after a romantic dinner at the Route 14 Red Lobster. "Nice work, honey," Wyczinski complimented his wife following the 20-minute coupling. "I thought that came out great."

WHO Pushes For More 'Ouchless' Adhesive Funding

WASHINGTON, DC—Amid mounting evidence of White House ties to Enron, President Bush attempted to distance himself from yet another failing Texas energy company Monday. "I have had no business dealings with this particular company," Bush said. "Why would anyone associate me with a Houston-based energy giant that's mismanaged itself into the ground?" Bush added that his oil company was already almost bankrupt when he took it over, and that it was not his decision to trade away Sammy Sosa.

The Thinkable Happens To Local Man

OLATHE, KS—The thinkable happened to area resident Bruce Conroy, 44, Monday, when the newspaper he was carrying fell out of his hand. "I can believe what I just saw," one witness told reporters. "In all my years, I can honestly say I've seen many things like that." An unshaken Conroy told reporters after the incident: "Who wouldn't have thought that this, or something very much like it, could happen?"

Bush Attempts To Distance Self From Yet Another Failed Business

WASHINGTON, DC—Amid mounting evidence of White House ties to Enron, President Bush attempted to distance himself from yet another failing Texas energy company Monday. "I have had no business dealings with this particular company," Bush said. "Why would anyone associate me with a Houston-based energy giant that's mismanaged itself into the ground?" Bush added that his oil company was already almost bankrupt when he took it over, and that it was not his decision to trade away Sammy Sosa.
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China's Nuclear Buildup

According to a new CIA report, China is expected to have as many as 100 long-range nuclear missiles aimed at the U.S. by 2015. What do you think?
  • "We don't need to worry about the Chinese using nukes. They'd first need to find an unpopulated area to test them."

    Max Koenig
    Systems Analyst
  • "Would it be culturally insensitive of me to say I hope they don't blast us to atoms? I don't want to offend anybody."

    Connie Vance
    Graduate Student
  • "Maybe it's time to flood China with opium again. Failing that, flood me with opium."

    Dan Essen
    Plumber
  • "If only Sting had possessed the foresight to hope that the Chinese love their two government-allotted children, too."

    Milt Odom
    Lawyer
  • "We shouldn't worry. Judicious use of force is the traditional and typical of Chinese glorious history and cultural."

    Ken Yaeger
    Roofer
  • "Doesn't China know that only the U.S. is responsible enough to have a nuclear arsenal?"

    Sylvia Coombes
    Graphic Designer
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