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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Chinese Buy America’s Largest Pork Producer

To satisfy China’s growing demand for pork as its middle class expands, the Chinese company Shanghui International Holdings is buying the American company Smithfield Foods, the world’s largest pork producer, for $4.7 billion. What do you think?

  • "Fuck, what if they take all the juiciest back fat?”

    Cynthia Harvey Powder Compounder
  • “Anyone who’s had the pork fried rice at Shanghai Kitchen knows those pigs are in good hands.”

    Rod Wenger Firewood Cutter
  • “Nothing says ‘I’ve made it’ like a mouthful of pig meat.”

    Gerald Croteau Unemployed

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