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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Chinese Hackers Steal Top U.S. Weapons Designs

Chinese hackers reportedly gained access to the designs of more than two dozen highly advanced U.S. weapons, including ballistic missile defense systems, fighter jets, and helicopters. What do you think?

  • “It’s actually kind of a compliment when you think about it.”

    Renee Brinkerhoff Estate Planner
  • “Friends are supposed to share.”

    Gregg Stanwick Unemployed
  • “Quick! Abort Operation: Secret Chinese War! Abort! Abort!”

    Ozzie Gonzales Telephone Assembler

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