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Chinese Human-Rights Abuses

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International

‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.

World Makes Final Attempt To Try To Understand This Shit

BRUSSELS—In the wake of the terrorist attacks in Brussels that left over 30 dead and more than 100 injured, an angry and frustrated global populace collectively announced Tuesday that it would make one last attempt to try to understand this shit.
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Chinese Human-Rights Abuses

Sparked by Chinese Premier Jiang Zemin's recent visit to America, many are calling for the U.S. government to refuse trade with China until it improves its human-rights record. What do you think?
  • "Do you realize that in China, those found guilty of murder are often put to death? The U.S. should not conduct business with such a country."

    Risa Sharp Waitress
  • "We shouldn't interfere with cultures we don't understand. Perhaps, in China, impaling student protestors on sewage-encrusted bamboo stakes is a way of showing respect."

    Edward Szold Systems Analyst
  • "If we were to cruelly deny the Chinese the great taste of Diet Coke via trade sanctions, we would be no better than them."

    Mitchell Orff Ornithologist
  • "All I know is, if I have to listen to 'China Grove' on Classic Rock 101.5 one more time, I'm gonna file a human-rights complaint."

    Randy Ulrich Gardener
  • "The Chinese who work at the Rice Bowl restaurant are guilty of severe hunan-rights abuse. I ordered this dish without water chestnuts."

    Liz Crandall Student
  • "I don't think it's right that the Chinese should be allowed to meddle in the affairs of humans."

    Ben Rublowsky Lawyer

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