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North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Nuclear Warhead Thrilled For Chance To Finally Escape North Korea

PYONGYANG—Saying its spirits were immediately buoyed upon hearing Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un’s recent statement that the military was close to developing an intercontinental ballistic missile, a North Korean nuclear warhead reported Tuesday that it was thrilled for the chance to finally escape the country.

Pope Francis Carves Roast Cherub For Vatican Christmas Dinner

VATICAN CITY—After pulling a probe thermometer from its thigh and tasting a piece of crispy golden-brown skin, Pope Francis began carving a slow-roasted 18-pound cherub for the Vatican’s annual Christmas feast, sources within the Holy See reported Sunday.
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Chinese Human-Rights Abuses

Sparked by Chinese Premier Jiang Zemin's recent visit to America, many are calling for the U.S. government to refuse trade with China until it improves its human-rights record. What do you think?
  • "Do you realize that in China, those found guilty of murder are often put to death? The U.S. should not conduct business with such a country."

    Risa Sharp Waitress
  • "We shouldn't interfere with cultures we don't understand. Perhaps, in China, impaling student protestors on sewage-encrusted bamboo stakes is a way of showing respect."

    Edward Szold Systems Analyst
  • "If we were to cruelly deny the Chinese the great taste of Diet Coke via trade sanctions, we would be no better than them."

    Mitchell Orff Ornithologist
  • "All I know is, if I have to listen to 'China Grove' on Classic Rock 101.5 one more time, I'm gonna file a human-rights complaint."

    Randy Ulrich Gardener
  • "The Chinese who work at the Rice Bowl restaurant are guilty of severe hunan-rights abuse. I ordered this dish without water chestnuts."

    Liz Crandall Student
  • "I don't think it's right that the Chinese should be allowed to meddle in the affairs of humans."

    Ben Rublowsky Lawyer

More from this section

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

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