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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Chinese Movie Theaters Displaying Audience Texts On Screen

Select movie theaters in China are testing a new model of film-watching called “bullet screens,” in which the theater projects audience text messages, or “bullets,” onto the screen during showings, with texts sometimes becoming so numerous that they obscure the entire movie playing. What do you think?

  • “Good. There’s nothing more annoying than someone texting during a movie and not being able to see what they’re writing.”

    Jeff O’Shea Systems Analyst
  • “That’s ridiculous. Nonstop, anonymous rolling text that distracts from what’s going on is for television only.”

    Barbara Norton Mic Stand Adjuster
  • “I know we’ve fallen behind China in a lot of things, but I really thought we were still in the lead as far as making movies intolerable.”

    Tim Aldrich Drill Bit Tester

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