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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Chinese Movie Theaters Displaying Audience Texts On Screen

Select movie theaters in China are testing a new model of film-watching called “bullet screens,” in which the theater projects audience text messages, or “bullets,” onto the screen during showings, with texts sometimes becoming so numerous that they obscure the entire movie playing. What do you think?

  • “Good. There’s nothing more annoying than someone texting during a movie and not being able to see what they’re writing.”

    Jeff O’Shea Systems Analyst
  • “That’s ridiculous. Nonstop, anonymous rolling text that distracts from what’s going on is for television only.”

    Barbara Norton Mic Stand Adjuster
  • “I know we’ve fallen behind China in a lot of things, but I really thought we were still in the lead as far as making movies intolerable.”

    Tim Aldrich Drill Bit Tester

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