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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
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Chinese Movie Theaters Displaying Audience Texts On Screen

Select movie theaters in China are testing a new model of film-watching called “bullet screens,” in which the theater projects audience text messages, or “bullets,” onto the screen during showings, with texts sometimes becoming so numerous that they obscure the entire movie playing. What do you think?

  • “Good. There’s nothing more annoying than someone texting during a movie and not being able to see what they’re writing.”

    Jeff O’Shea Systems Analyst
  • “That’s ridiculous. Nonstop, anonymous rolling text that distracts from what’s going on is for television only.”

    Barbara Norton Mic Stand Adjuster
  • “I know we’ve fallen behind China in a lot of things, but I really thought we were still in the lead as far as making movies intolerable.”

    Tim Aldrich Drill Bit Tester

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