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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Chipotle Closes 43 Locations After E. Coli Outbreak

Acting out of what they call an “abundance of caution,” Chipotle announced they are temporarily closing 43 locations in Washington and Oregon after an outbreak of E. coli has affected 20 people who recently ate Chipotle in the region. What do you think?

  • “It’s pathetic what qualifies as an outbreak these days.”

    Cindy Tichler PR Educator
  • “You mean I’ll be forced to make do with Qdoba, Del Taco, El Pollo Loco, and Moe’s Southwest Grill?”

    Ronald Hayertz Jar Sealer
  • “I’d better be entitled to extra meat when they reopen.”

    Judd Hough Dissection Overseer

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