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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Chipotle: Don’t Bring Guns Into Our Restaurants

In response to an incident in which gun rights advocates brought military-style assault rifles into a restaurant, fast food chain Chipotle has announced that it will require customers to check guns at the door before entering stores. What do you think?

  • “I wish Chipotle would just tell me which weapons we can bring.”

    Martin Tyler Unemployed
  • “I’m sure gun rights advocates will yield to this reasonable request with their usual civility.”

    Yvette Johnson Fabric Dyer
  • “But what if you’re just there to use the bathroom?”

    Allen Scinelli Orchestra Conductor
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