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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Chipotle: Don’t Bring Guns Into Our Restaurants

In response to an incident in which gun rights advocates brought military-style assault rifles into a restaurant, fast food chain Chipotle has announced that it will require customers to check guns at the door before entering stores. What do you think?

  • “I wish Chipotle would just tell me which weapons we can bring.”

    Martin Tyler Unemployed
  • “I’m sure gun rights advocates will yield to this reasonable request with their usual civility.”

    Yvette Johnson Fabric Dyer
  • “But what if you’re just there to use the bathroom?”

    Allen Scinelli Orchestra Conductor
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