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PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

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SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

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Choking Game Deadly

According to a recent government report, the choking game, in which people restrict their oxygen flow in order to achieve a moment of euphoria, has killed 82 youths since 1995. What do you think?
  • "Why is it that a few irresponsible kids have to go and spoil choking for the rest of us?"

    Matt Norton Knife Sharpener
  • "History sure does repeat itself. They used to say the same thing about the slice-yourself-in-the-jugular game."

    Kelvin Hart Surveyor
  • "I predicted something like this would happen when they took the good shit out of model glue."

    Angel Mould Crossing Guard

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