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Politics

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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CIA Contractor Released With Blood Money Payment

Raymond Davis, a CIA security contractor employed in Pakistan and held captive for killing two men, was freed after the victims' families were paid around $2.3 million. What do you think?

  • "Well, I'll be damned! That’s exactly where I told that survey lady I’d like to see my tax dollars going."

    Lane McCreary Receiving-Dispatcher
  • "As a grown man whose wealthy parents have bailed him out dozens and dozens of times, I would just like to say: This usually works."

    Alexander Moulton Board Member
  • "Hmm, that seems like a lot of money for a Pakistani. I thought the CIA blue book value for a paying off Pakistani was in the $75,000-to-$150,000 range."

    Jessica Gibson Tax Assessor

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