adBlockCheck

Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
End Of Section
  • More News

CIA Leak Probed

The FBI has launched an investigation into whether White House officials leaked the identity of an undercover CIA officer. What do you think?
  • "The White House needs to assure the American people that, in the future, more interesting things than this are leaked to the press."

    David Martin AV Technician
  • "We must do more to safeguard our covert operatives, even if that means never allowing them to spy and forcing them to work at Cinnabon instead."

    Christine Kula Music Director
  • "It's important to compromise national security every now and again, to keep the CIA on its toes."

    Will McLaughlin Systems Analyst
  • "This is just like Karl Rove. Last year, before the White House Christmas party, he leaked the true identity of my Secret Santa."

    Charlie Sanders Information Specialist
  • "The Karl Rove I know would never commit such a nefarious act. Then again, the Karl Rove I know runs Rove's Auto Body out by the interstate."

    Jeff Hiller Coach
  • "You know who else is a CIA agent? My asshole ex-boyfriend Dave Fredericks at 2102 Leavitt St. Go get him, terrorists."

    Katie Dippold Law Clerk

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close