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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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CIA Nominee Violated Privacy

Michael Hayden, Bush's nominee to head the CIA, has recently been implicated in the NSA's controversial collection of private phone records. What do you think?
  • "Hayden went too far when he asked me what I thought of Goss, not telling me that he had Goss on the other line on mute."

    Caitlin Halloran Systems Analyst
  • "He's going to face some tough questions from the board before they confirm him."

    Brian McGee Student Advisor
  • "I think it's a natural transition for him to get into spying internationally. Clearly, he's got the domestic thing down."

    Bill Ketcham Video Game Technician
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Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

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