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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Cigarette Moderation Still Kills

A new study shows that smoking as little as one cigarette a day can still triple heart-disease risks. What do you think?
  • "That's okay, because I only smoke one cigarette a night with a glass of red wine."

    Judith Halverson Florist
  • "Well, luckily for me, risk turns chicks on."

    Kyle DeHart Claims Adjuster
  • "Oh crap! That means my heart-disease risk is 560 times higher than a non-smoker?"

    Andrew Lentz Systems Analyst
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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

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