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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Cigarette Packaging May Graphically Depict Disease

To underscore the dangers of smoking, the FDA has proposed requiring packs of cigarettes to carry images of diseased lungs or corpses. What do you think?

  • "If only my grandmother had smoked long enough to see this."

    Joe Hopper Systems Analyst
  • "That's nothing. In Canada, they put a personalized eulogy on each pack."

    Grace Stipe Terminal Manager
  • "That packaging sounds very similar to our Christmas wrapping paper, for you see, I come from a family of monsters. Alas, I am the only normal-looking one, and my family's secret shame."

    Carlos Pierce Accountant

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