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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Cigarette Packaging May Graphically Depict Disease

To underscore the dangers of smoking, the FDA has proposed requiring packs of cigarettes to carry images of diseased lungs or corpses. What do you think?

  • "If only my grandmother had smoked long enough to see this."

    Joe Hopper Systems Analyst
  • "That's nothing. In Canada, they put a personalized eulogy on each pack."

    Grace Stipe Terminal Manager
  • "That packaging sounds very similar to our Christmas wrapping paper, for you see, I come from a family of monsters. Alas, I am the only normal-looking one, and my family's secret shame."

    Carlos Pierce Accountant

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