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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.
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Cigarettes Have More Nicotine

A recent study shows that the amount of nicotine in cigarettes rose an average of 10% between 1998 and 2004. What do you think?
  • "And they say big tobacco doesn't care about their customers."

    James Parnett Film Critic
  • "In my day, all you ever needed for repeat business was an ad showing a dancing cigarette pack with a sexy pair of gams."

    Denny Mathison Boxing Trainer
  • "Um, I can't really tell: Was this a pro or anti-smoking study?"

    Judy O'Connor Systems Analyst

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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

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