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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Cigarettes Have More Nicotine

A recent study shows that the amount of nicotine in cigarettes rose an average of 10% between 1998 and 2004. What do you think?
  • "And they say big tobacco doesn't care about their customers."

    James Parnett Film Critic
  • "In my day, all you ever needed for repeat business was an ad showing a dancing cigarette pack with a sexy pair of gams."

    Denny Mathison Boxing Trainer
  • "Um, I can't really tell: Was this a pro or anti-smoking study?"

    Judy O'Connor Systems Analyst
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