adBlockCheck

Recent News

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
End Of Section
  • More News

Cigarettes Have More Nicotine

A recent study shows that the amount of nicotine in cigarettes rose an average of 10% between 1998 and 2004. What do you think?
  • "And they say big tobacco doesn't care about their customers."

    James Parnett Film Critic
  • "In my day, all you ever needed for repeat business was an ad showing a dancing cigarette pack with a sexy pair of gams."

    Denny Mathison Boxing Trainer
  • "Um, I can't really tell: Was this a pro or anti-smoking study?"

    Judy O'Connor Systems Analyst

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close