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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Clarence Thomas Breaks 7-Year Silence In Court

Supreme Court justice Clarence Thomas, who hadn’t said anything from the bench since February 2006, was recorded uttering the barely decipherable words “Well, he did not...” Monday, which was apparently part of a joke made at the expense of a lawyer. What do you think?

  • “He reminds me of myself in that way. I’m always the guy who doesn’t say much, but when I do, people have no idea what I’m talking about.”

    Patrick Omilami Switchyard Worker
  • “It looks like winter’s going to be extra long this year.”

    Curt Plavin Labor Relations Consultant
  • “Totally worth the wait.”

    Ursula Starr Dressmaker

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