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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Clarence Thomas Breaks 7-Year Silence In Court

Supreme Court justice Clarence Thomas, who hadn’t said anything from the bench since February 2006, was recorded uttering the barely decipherable words “Well, he did not...” Monday, which was apparently part of a joke made at the expense of a lawyer. What do you think?

  • “He reminds me of myself in that way. I’m always the guy who doesn’t say much, but when I do, people have no idea what I’m talking about.”

    Patrick Omilami Switchyard Worker
  • “It looks like winter’s going to be extra long this year.”

    Curt Plavin Labor Relations Consultant
  • “Totally worth the wait.”

    Ursula Starr Dressmaker

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