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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Clarence Thomas Breaks 7-Year Silence In Court

Supreme Court justice Clarence Thomas, who hadn’t said anything from the bench since February 2006, was recorded uttering the barely decipherable words “Well, he did not...” Monday, which was apparently part of a joke made at the expense of a lawyer. What do you think?

  • “He reminds me of myself in that way. I’m always the guy who doesn’t say much, but when I do, people have no idea what I’m talking about.”

    Patrick Omilami Switchyard Worker
  • “It looks like winter’s going to be extra long this year.”

    Curt Plavin Labor Relations Consultant
  • “Totally worth the wait.”

    Ursula Starr Dressmaker
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