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Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Cleaner Air, Longer Life

An increase in American air quality over the last 20 years has led to an average life span increase of 21 weeks. What do you think?
  • "Ha! In your face Dr. Biller! Looks like I've got 31 weeks left to live, not 10."

    Mitch Daddato Restaurant Manager
  • "That's great news. Every moment on this earth is precious, and if you if live in the United States, it's like it counts double."

    Carl Boucher Dietary Aide
  • "21 weeks? That's five months. That's almost half a year. Wow. Yeah, I guess I just don't really care about the environment."

    Susan Canfield Unemployed

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