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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.
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Climate Change Causing Smaller Animals

According to researchers, warmer, drier climates are leading to smaller animals, which may disrupt the food chain. What do you think?

  • "I think it’s a little premature to say this isn’t just part of the earth’s natural animal-size cycles."

    Jake Dewey Forge Helper
  • "Fine by me. I've been wanting to own a flushable shark for ages."

    Dorothy Catlin Grief Counsellor
  • "I'm still going to yell at the polar bears in the zoo to lose some weight."

    John Farwell End Stapler

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