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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Clint Eastwood Endorses Romney

At a Republican fundraiser in Sun Valley, ID, famed actor and director Clint Eastwood provided a surprise endorsement of Mitt Romney, saying, "The country needs a boost." What do you think?

  • “This might not be the best way to live my life, but I do whatever Clint Eastwood says, no questions asked.”

    Cliff Adler Kettle Tender
  • “Any man who did two movies with an orangutan knows exactly what the nation wants.”

    Otto Whitaker Market Research Analyst
  • “Maybe now Romney has a chance at that youth vote.”

    Bonny Caqeulin Unemployed
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Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

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