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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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Clint Eastwood Gives Bizarre Speech

Speaking nearly 12 minutes instead of his allotted five, Oscar-winning director and actor Clint Eastwood, 82, delivered unusual, rambling remarks at the Republican National Convention in which he pretended to talk with an invisible President Obama seated in an empty chair on stage. What do you think?

  • “I thought the chair did pretty good.”

    Kathleen Tinkley Systems Analyst
  • “When did the RNC start allowing old rich white guys to ramble nonsense on stage?”

    Gerald Moskowitz Grinding Wheel Inspector
  • “I bet the empty chair bit went over better when he was practicing it alone in his hotel room.”

    Marshall Wattles Acrobatic Rigger

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