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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.
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Clint Eastwood Gives Bizarre Speech

Speaking nearly 12 minutes instead of his allotted five, Oscar-winning director and actor Clint Eastwood, 82, delivered unusual, rambling remarks at the Republican National Convention in which he pretended to talk with an invisible President Obama seated in an empty chair on stage. What do you think?

  • “I thought the chair did pretty good.”

    Kathleen Tinkley Systems Analyst
  • “When did the RNC start allowing old rich white guys to ramble nonsense on stage?”

    Gerald Moskowitz Grinding Wheel Inspector
  • “I bet the empty chair bit went over better when he was practicing it alone in his hotel room.”

    Marshall Wattles Acrobatic Rigger

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