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Politics

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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Clinton: Part 2

As America stands on the brink of the second half of the Bill Clinton Era, what are your thoughts?
  • "Now that Clinton has been re-elected, we as a nation will get to find out if Chelsea blossoms into a beautiful piece of ass."

    Ned Branforth Accountant
  • "Under Clinton's leadership, I hope to advance to the soft-serve machine."

    Wally Givens Chemical Engineer
  • "Whatever happens in the next four years, it can't possibly be worse than it was under that clown Clinton."

    Alyson Blum Oboe Player
  • "Now that Clinton is in the White House, I look forward to four years of health care reform, gays in the military and, at last, renewed racial harmony. Go Clinton!"

    Eileen Putnam Systems Analyst
  • "You never know what tomorrow will bring, so you just have to put on a smile, keep your chin to the wind and hide your heroin in a balloon in your butthole."

    Ed Vallely Environmentalist
  • "I only hope that Clinton remembers the children."

    Jorge Bellson Groundskeeper

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