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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
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Clinton Vs. The NRA

In recent weeks, President Clinton and the National Rifle Association have been at war over the issue of gun control. What do you think?
  • "Guns don't kill people; guns are designed and manufactured for the purpose of enabling people to use the guns to kill people."

    Wallace Carter Systems Analyst
  • "Gun control? Oh, great. Now how am I going to well-regulate my militia?"

    Lonald Molitor Family Therapist
  • "People wouldn't need guns if the government finally enacted some laws that get tough on deer."

    Tami Kerst Manicurist
  • "Obviously, the president has never been captured by super-intelligent apes, or he'd feel differently about the importance of guns."

    Tom Estades Assistant Manager
  • "What a coincidence that Clinton is trying to pass sweeping new gun-control legislation in an election year."

    Francine Vanhandel Typing Instructor
  • "As usual, the Democrats are manipulating the liberal media in a calculated bid to take away my fire stick. Unggh! Want fire stick!"

    Dennie Decker Carpet Cleaner

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