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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Clothing Prices Expected To Rise 10%

Retail clothing prices, which have dropped over the past decade, may soon spike by 10 percent percent as the cost of cotton reaches record highs. What do you think?

  • "You don't scare me, clothing. You need me. You depend on me. Without me, you don't make any sense."

    Esther Stroughter Junction Maker
  • "Wow. I've been looking for a reason to justify my increased promiscuity, and while this information doesn't do that, it does justify my laundry theft."

    Dwayne Echlin Numerical Control Machine Operator
  • "I would blame this on Big Cotton, but that's my cat's name, and I know Scrabbles didn't do it, either."

    Horatio Segal Systems Analyst

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