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Michelle Obama: ‘Well, There Are 8 Years Of My Life I’ll Never Get Back’

PHILADELPHIA—Her face fixed in an expression of apathetic detachment as she took the stage Monday night to raucous cheers and applause, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly began her address to the Democratic National Convention by exhaling audibly and remarking that she would never get the past eight years of her life back.

Revelations From The DNC Email Leak

Last week, WikiLeaks posted 20,000 email exchanges among DNC officials, the content of which led to DNC chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz’s resignation on the eve of the convention. Here are some of the key revelations from the leak

CNN Producer On Hunt For Saddest-Looking Fuck With Convention Button Collection

PHILADELPHIA—Weaving his way through the crowd of patriotically dressed attendees excitedly milling around on the floor of the Democratic National Convention, CNN segment producer Jeff Raskin reportedly went on the hunt Monday for the most pitiful-looking fuck willing to speak on camera about their political button collection.

How The IOC Plans To Address Doping

In light of its recent decision not to bar Russian athletes from competing in Rio despite their use of performance-enhancing drugs, the International Olympic Committee is working to establish more effective protocols to keep the Games drug-free. Here are some ways the IOC plans to address doping:

360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.
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'Cloud Atlas' Weak At Box Office

Featuring six plots woven together across five centuries, the Tom Hanks and Halle Berry movie Cloud Atlas, which is based on a David Mitchell novel long considered “unfilmable,” opened to middling reviews and poor ticket sales. What do you think?

  • “Some said Ulysses was unfilmable, too. Turned out it was.”

    Kay Witt Sound Mixer
  • “You’d think audiences wouldn’t be able to resist the daring originality of a big-budget sci-fi/fantasy epic with philosophical undertones.”

    Nicholas Hartwick Parole Officer
  • “I was completely baffled by the trailer, so I watched the entire film hoping I’d understand it better, but I didn’t, so then I read the book, which also didn’t make any sense. So now I’m going to go back and watch the trailer again to see if I missed something.”

    Rich Osment Materials Engineer

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