adBlockCheck

'Cloud Atlas' Weak At Box Office

Top Headlines

Recent News

Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

'Cloud Atlas' Weak At Box Office

Featuring six plots woven together across five centuries, the Tom Hanks and Halle Berry movie Cloud Atlas, which is based on a David Mitchell novel long considered “unfilmable,” opened to middling reviews and poor ticket sales. What do you think?

  • “Some said Ulysses was unfilmable, too. Turned out it was.”

    Kay Witt Sound Mixer
  • “You’d think audiences wouldn’t be able to resist the daring originality of a big-budget sci-fi/fantasy epic with philosophical undertones.”

    Nicholas Hartwick Parole Officer
  • “I was completely baffled by the trailer, so I watched the entire film hoping I’d understand it better, but I didn’t, so then I read the book, which also didn’t make any sense. So now I’m going to go back and watch the trailer again to see if I missed something.”

    Rich Osment Materials Engineer

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close