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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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'Cloud Atlas' Weak At Box Office

Featuring six plots woven together across five centuries, the Tom Hanks and Halle Berry movie Cloud Atlas, which is based on a David Mitchell novel long considered “unfilmable,” opened to middling reviews and poor ticket sales. What do you think?

  • “Some said Ulysses was unfilmable, too. Turned out it was.”

    Kay Witt Sound Mixer
  • “You’d think audiences wouldn’t be able to resist the daring originality of a big-budget sci-fi/fantasy epic with philosophical undertones.”

    Nicholas Hartwick Parole Officer
  • “I was completely baffled by the trailer, so I watched the entire film hoping I’d understand it better, but I didn’t, so then I read the book, which also didn’t make any sense. So now I’m going to go back and watch the trailer again to see if I missed something.”

    Rich Osment Materials Engineer

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