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Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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'Cloud Atlas' Weak At Box Office

Featuring six plots woven together across five centuries, the Tom Hanks and Halle Berry movie Cloud Atlas, which is based on a David Mitchell novel long considered “unfilmable,” opened to middling reviews and poor ticket sales. What do you think?

  • “Some said Ulysses was unfilmable, too. Turned out it was.”

    Kay Witt Sound Mixer
  • “You’d think audiences wouldn’t be able to resist the daring originality of a big-budget sci-fi/fantasy epic with philosophical undertones.”

    Nicholas Hartwick Parole Officer
  • “I was completely baffled by the trailer, so I watched the entire film hoping I’d understand it better, but I didn’t, so then I read the book, which also didn’t make any sense. So now I’m going to go back and watch the trailer again to see if I missed something.”

    Rich Osment Materials Engineer
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