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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Co-Founder Of Mattel Dead

Elliot Handler, the co-founder of the company that introduced Barbie dolls and Hot Wheels cars, died Thursday at age 95. What do you think?

  • "If he's no good anymore, is it okay to pull his arms off?"

    Gary Bélanger Hull Inspector
  • "I didn't need to hear that. I prefer my multimillion-dollar corporations faceless and vaguely sinister."

    Melissa Forrest Dye-Tank Tender
  • "But who will give my son something to do and my daughter something to feel bad about?"

    Rich Mongrain Package Crimper
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