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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Co-Founder Of Mattel Dead

Elliot Handler, the co-founder of the company that introduced Barbie dolls and Hot Wheels cars, died Thursday at age 95. What do you think?

  • "If he's no good anymore, is it okay to pull his arms off?"

    Gary Bélanger Hull Inspector
  • "I didn't need to hear that. I prefer my multimillion-dollar corporations faceless and vaguely sinister."

    Melissa Forrest Dye-Tank Tender
  • "But who will give my son something to do and my daughter something to feel bad about?"

    Rich Mongrain Package Crimper

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