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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Coachella To Be Held On Cruise Ship

Partnering with Celebrity Cruises, the popular Southern California music festival Coachella is expanding its presence to a 3,000-person vessel dubbed the S.S. Coachella, which will travel through the Caribbean this December. What do you think?

  • “That’s great news. If there’s one problem with these multiday music festivals, it’s that you can escape them.”

    Shirley Lyon High-Rise Window Washer
  • “Eh. Once Sleigh Bells hits their fourth dinner show of the night they really slow down.”

    Dave Grazewski Bicycle Messenger
  • “Will there still be mud on the boat?”

    Merritt Cashin Systems Analyst

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