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New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.
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Coca-Cola Debuts Anti-Obesity Commercial

Coca-Cola debuted a two-minute TV commercial this week that highlights the company’s line of low-calorie beverages, touts its commitment to provide sugar-free drink options in schools, and encourages viewers to eat healthy and exercise to combat the nation’s obesity epidemic. What do you think?

  • “I’m concerned that young people will see these media messages today and end up missing vital opportunities for refreshment.”

    Louis Vadas Dynamiter
  • “Are you freaking kidding me? Who has time for a two-minute commercial?”

    Ronald Wolffe Lambskin Trimmer
  • “Hear that, fatties? Even Coke’s sick of you being fat.”

    Anna Tremont Automotive Technician

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