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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Coca-Cola Debuts Anti-Obesity Commercial

Coca-Cola debuted a two-minute TV commercial this week that highlights the company’s line of low-calorie beverages, touts its commitment to provide sugar-free drink options in schools, and encourages viewers to eat healthy and exercise to combat the nation’s obesity epidemic. What do you think?

  • “I’m concerned that young people will see these media messages today and end up missing vital opportunities for refreshment.”

    Louis Vadas Dynamiter
  • “Are you freaking kidding me? Who has time for a two-minute commercial?”

    Ronald Wolffe Lambskin Trimmer
  • “Hear that, fatties? Even Coke’s sick of you being fat.”

    Anna Tremont Automotive Technician

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