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Coca-Cola Debuts Anti-Obesity Commercial

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The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Coca-Cola Debuts Anti-Obesity Commercial

Coca-Cola debuted a two-minute TV commercial this week that highlights the company’s line of low-calorie beverages, touts its commitment to provide sugar-free drink options in schools, and encourages viewers to eat healthy and exercise to combat the nation’s obesity epidemic. What do you think?

  • “I’m concerned that young people will see these media messages today and end up missing vital opportunities for refreshment.”

    Louis Vadas Dynamiter
  • “Are you freaking kidding me? Who has time for a two-minute commercial?”

    Ronald Wolffe Lambskin Trimmer
  • “Hear that, fatties? Even Coke’s sick of you being fat.”

    Anna Tremont Automotive Technician

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