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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Cocaine Factor In Houston's Death

According to the coroner who conducted the autopsy on singer Whitney Houston, cocaine was a factor in her drowning death. What do you think?

  • "The real tragedy is that she isn't still alive to hear my opinion about her death."

    Charlotte Kramer Systems Analyst
  • "Did you know Orville Redenbacher also drowned in a bathtub? Call it the curse of sleeping with Bobby Brown."

    Guy Thompson Varnish Inspector
  • "A tragic ending with an even more bitter coda. Whitney should have died in her 80s, on stage, after a particularly embarrassing rendition of 'The Greatest Love Of All.'"

    Bob Smith Sample Maker
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Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

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