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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Cocaine Factor In Houston's Death

According to the coroner who conducted the autopsy on singer Whitney Houston, cocaine was a factor in her drowning death. What do you think?

  • "The real tragedy is that she isn't still alive to hear my opinion about her death."

    Charlotte Kramer Systems Analyst
  • "Did you know Orville Redenbacher also drowned in a bathtub? Call it the curse of sleeping with Bobby Brown."

    Guy Thompson Varnish Inspector
  • "A tragic ending with an even more bitter coda. Whitney should have died in her 80s, on stage, after a particularly embarrassing rendition of 'The Greatest Love Of All.'"

    Bob Smith Sample Maker

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