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New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.
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Coeds Drink More At Themed Parties

A study conducted by researchers at San Diego State University and the University of Michigan found that college women are encouraged to drink more at theme parties. What do you think?
  • "In my day, women didn't abuse alcohol until after we got married, became housewives, and realized our lives were over."

    Lori Paulson Information Booth Attendant
  • "Interesting. Same thing happens to me on work-themed days."

    Scott Archer Copywriter
  • "'Theme' is not the correct term. I think you mean 'motif.' I'll be in my office until four if you need any further notes."

    Kathleen Jaffee English Professor

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