Coffee At Highest Price Since ’70s

Top Headlines

Recent News

Most Likely Candidates For Trump’s Cabinet

If elected president, Donald Trump will have the opportunity to nominate up to 15 cabinet members, each advising him on executive departments. Here are the most rumored choices for Trump’s inner circle.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Coffee At Highest Price Since ’70s

Because of increased demand in emerging markets and a diminished supply, raw coffee beans topped $3 per pound for the first time in 34 years. What do you think?

  • “It might take a while, but I think I could get used to a hot cup of Mountain Dew and half-and-half in the morning.”

    Marjorie Atkinson Seismic Prospecting Observer
  • "One word to the Chicory Marketing Board: no."

    Richard Barr Keno Writer
  • "Just as my own parents took up my time with talk about marginal consumer burdens in the ’70s, so will I carry the torch for my kids."

    Stephen Weaver Systems Analyst


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close