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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Coffee At Highest Price Since ’70s

Because of increased demand in emerging markets and a diminished supply, raw coffee beans topped $3 per pound for the first time in 34 years. What do you think?

  • “It might take a while, but I think I could get used to a hot cup of Mountain Dew and half-and-half in the morning.”

    Marjorie Atkinson Seismic Prospecting Observer
  • "One word to the Chicory Marketing Board: no."

    Richard Barr Keno Writer
  • "Just as my own parents took up my time with talk about marginal consumer burdens in the ’70s, so will I carry the torch for my kids."

    Stephen Weaver Systems Analyst

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