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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.
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Coffee Counteracts Alcohol

A study published by the Archives of Internal Medicine demonstrates that drinking coffee can offset the detrimental effects of alcohol on the liver. What do you think?
  • "Who needs coffee when you have a family full of sober organ-donors?"

    Alexandra Ledoux Systems Analyst
  • "Why all the hubbub? Isn't the liver just a useless old organ at the end of the intestines? Oh, that's the appendix. Can coffee offset the effects of alcohol on the appendix?"

    Jason Zellar Laser Printer Technician
  • "Typical scientists, always giving us useless, abstract information. Where's the chart showing the proper cappuccino-to-Jaeger ratio?"

    Christopher Martin Youth Pastor

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