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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Coffee Counteracts Alcohol

A study published by the Archives of Internal Medicine demonstrates that drinking coffee can offset the detrimental effects of alcohol on the liver. What do you think?
  • "Who needs coffee when you have a family full of sober organ-donors?"

    Alexandra Ledoux Systems Analyst
  • "Why all the hubbub? Isn't the liver just a useless old organ at the end of the intestines? Oh, that's the appendix. Can coffee offset the effects of alcohol on the appendix?"

    Jason Zellar Laser Printer Technician
  • "Typical scientists, always giving us useless, abstract information. Where's the chart showing the proper cappuccino-to-Jaeger ratio?"

    Christopher Martin Youth Pastor
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