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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Coffee Linked To Lower Suicide Risk

A recent study found that people who drink two to four cups of coffee daily are 50 percent less likely to commit suicide than those who drink fewer than two cups a day, drink decaffeinated coffee, or don’t drink coffee at all. What do you think?

  • “This is going to make the people who say they can’t live without their coffee all the more insufferable.”

    Bruno Conway Glass Smoother
  • “Well, yeah, because you get all that negative energy out by killing all those beans.”

    Laurie Klamer Public Works Commissioner
  • “If only Kurt Cobain would have sampled some of the fine blends Seattle has to offer.”

    Hank Whitlatch Racetrack Attendant

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