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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Coffee Linked To Lower Suicide Risk

A recent study found that people who drink two to four cups of coffee daily are 50 percent less likely to commit suicide than those who drink fewer than two cups a day, drink decaffeinated coffee, or don’t drink coffee at all. What do you think?

  • “This is going to make the people who say they can’t live without their coffee all the more insufferable.”

    Bruno Conway Glass Smoother
  • “Well, yeah, because you get all that negative energy out by killing all those beans.”

    Laurie Klamer Public Works Commissioner
  • “If only Kurt Cobain would have sampled some of the fine blends Seattle has to offer.”

    Hank Whitlatch Racetrack Attendant

More from this section

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.

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