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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Coffee May Improve Memory

Researchers found that individuals who viewed a series of images and then consumed 200 mg of caffeine performed better on a memory test the following day compared to subjects who did not take caffeine. What do you think?

  • “Wow, imagine being able to watch any TV show without having to see the recap before each episode.”

    Deborah Riccio Marble Carver
  • “Great. I’ve been looking for a way to keep all those video game scores ingrained in my mind.”

    Ty Robillard Relief Map Modeler
  • “Very good, but that still leaves one nagging question: Does drinking coffee improve memory?”

    D.J. Quezada Orchestra Conductor
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Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

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