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Coffee May Prolong Life

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Report: Someone Needs To Get Chips And Dip Away From Area Man

EDISON, NJ—Repeatedly emphasizing that the ruffled potato chips and accompanying French onion dip were just too good, a report released Thursday confirmed that someone needs to get them away from local partygoer Ian Ashcraft before he eats the whole thing.

Obama Resigns From Presidency After Michelle Lands Dream Job In Seattle

‘It’s Time I Made Some Sacrifices For This Family,’ Reports President

WASHINGTON—Saying his wife of 24 years had already sacrificed so much for the sake of his career and that it was time to return the favor, Barack Obama announced Wednesday his resignation as president of the United States of America, effective immediately, following news that Michelle Obama had landed her dream job in Seattle.
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Coffee May Prolong Life

Recent studies have showed that coffee drinkers are likely to live longer than non-coffee-drinkers, regardless of whether their beverage of choice is regular or decaf. What do you think?

  • “Yeah, but coffee drinkers are also more alert and productive, so there’s a trade-off.”

    Dan Udy
    Screen-Machine Operator
  • “The study neglected to mention that hazelnut blend will make the last few years of your life unbearable.”

    Fiona Stein
    Unemployed
  • “I’m so sick of scientists telling us that everything we thought was bad for us is actually good for us. Isn’t there any way to destroy your body anymore?”

    Lou Kovacs
    Dowel Pointer

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