Coffee May Prolong Life

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Horrifying Police Body Camera Footage Clearly Shows Current State Of America

CINCINNATI—Following a traffic stop earlier this month by a University of Cincinnati police officer that ended in the shooting death of an unarmed black motorist, authorities confirmed Thursday that the disturbing video recorded by the officer’s body camera clearly and graphically shows the current state of America.

Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.
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Coworkers Pull Off Daring One-Hour Lunch Break

TUCSON, AZ—Saying they couldn’t believe such a wild exploit had even been attempted, employees at local marketing firm Synergy Media Services told reporters they were still completely dumbfounded Thursday after account manager Tim Gibbons managed to pull off a daring one-hour lunch break.

Coffee May Prolong Life

Recent studies have showed that coffee drinkers are likely to live longer than non-coffee-drinkers, regardless of whether their beverage of choice is regular or decaf. What do you think?

  • “Yeah, but coffee drinkers are also more alert and productive, so there’s a trade-off.”

    Dan Udy
    Screen-Machine Operator
  • “The study neglected to mention that hazelnut blend will make the last few years of your life unbearable.”

    Fiona Stein
    Unemployed
  • “I’m so sick of scientists telling us that everything we thought was bad for us is actually good for us. Isn’t there any way to destroy your body anymore?”

    Lou Kovacs
    Dowel Pointer