adBlockCheck

Recent News

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
End Of Section
  • More News

Cola Lowers Sperm Count

A study in the American Journal Of Epidemiology found that men who drank more than 7 liters of cola a week had reduced sperm counts. What do you think?

  • "You don't need so many sperm cells when the ones you have are refreshed to the max."

    Ricky Said Unemployed
  • "And with that many plastic bottles lying around, it’s also easy to slip and smack your balls on something."

    Julian Whitby Vehicle Glass Installer
  • "An interesting, but moot, discovery, as biologists have long known that male humans are repellent to the opposite sex once they hit the 5-liters-per-week consumption threshold."

    Lucy Dean Speech Pathologist

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close