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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Cola Lowers Sperm Count

A study in the American Journal Of Epidemiology found that men who drank more than 7 liters of cola a week had reduced sperm counts. What do you think?

  • "You don't need so many sperm cells when the ones you have are refreshed to the max."

    Ricky Said Unemployed
  • "And with that many plastic bottles lying around, it’s also easy to slip and smack your balls on something."

    Julian Whitby Vehicle Glass Installer
  • "An interesting, but moot, discovery, as biologists have long known that male humans are repellent to the opposite sex once they hit the 5-liters-per-week consumption threshold."

    Lucy Dean Speech Pathologist

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