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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Cola Lowers Sperm Count

A study in the American Journal Of Epidemiology found that men who drank more than 7 liters of cola a week had reduced sperm counts. What do you think?

  • "You don't need so many sperm cells when the ones you have are refreshed to the max."

    Ricky Said Unemployed
  • "And with that many plastic bottles lying around, it’s also easy to slip and smack your balls on something."

    Julian Whitby Vehicle Glass Installer
  • "An interesting, but moot, discovery, as biologists have long known that male humans are repellent to the opposite sex once they hit the 5-liters-per-week consumption threshold."

    Lucy Dean Speech Pathologist
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Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

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