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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Cold Temperatures Help With Weight Loss

A recent study showed that exposure to lower temperatures forces the body to burn more calories in order to keep a steady internal temperature of 98.6 degrees, with scientists suggesting that turning down the thermostat could help people shed pounds. What do you think?

  • “Now we know why everyone in the Midwest looks like a model during the winter.”

    Adam Newman Kiosk Salesman
  • “Yeah, but it’s more fun to be sitting next to a nice warm fire, chowing down on cheeseburgers.”

    Siobhan Rey Luggage Inspector
  • “Whether I’m sweating like a pig in the summer or freezing off the pounds in the winter, a slob like me really can’t lose.”

    Harry Minoff Panel Moderator
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