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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Cold Temperatures Help With Weight Loss

A recent study showed that exposure to lower temperatures forces the body to burn more calories in order to keep a steady internal temperature of 98.6 degrees, with scientists suggesting that turning down the thermostat could help people shed pounds. What do you think?

  • “Now we know why everyone in the Midwest looks like a model during the winter.”

    Adam Newman Kiosk Salesman
  • “Yeah, but it’s more fun to be sitting next to a nice warm fire, chowing down on cheeseburgers.”

    Siobhan Rey Luggage Inspector
  • “Whether I’m sweating like a pig in the summer or freezing off the pounds in the winter, a slob like me really can’t lose.”

    Harry Minoff Panel Moderator

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