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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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College Binge Drinking

A recent American Medical Association study found that binge drinking is on the rise on college campuses, as are alcohol-related deaths. What do you think?
  • "Last November, my friend Brad got drunk, and he fell down a flight of stairs and died of massive brain trauma. We were ripped to the tits, dude."

    Daryl Woodley Student
  • "As part of my fraternity's initiation ritual, pledges are required to die of alcohol poisoning."

    Ricky Hanratty Student
  • "Sure, binge drinking can be a serious problem, but how else are college students supposed to foster an environment conducive to date rape?"

    Peter Malone Bricklayer
  • "Most college students aren't even 21, so this is really more of a grad-school issue."

    Annette Brister Interpreter
  • "Forget college. I'm doing my best binge drinking now that I'm in my 40s and have a dead-end job and a fucking albatross of a family."

    Steven Stoudt Systems Analyst
  • "What's wrong with letting off a little steam five to six nights a week?"

    Stephanie Blackledge Dental Hygienist
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