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College Binge Drinking

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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College Binge Drinking

A recent American Medical Association study found that binge drinking is on the rise on college campuses, as are alcohol-related deaths. What do you think?
  • "Last November, my friend Brad got drunk, and he fell down a flight of stairs and died of massive brain trauma. We were ripped to the tits, dude."

    Daryl Woodley Student
  • "As part of my fraternity's initiation ritual, pledges are required to die of alcohol poisoning."

    Ricky Hanratty Student
  • "Sure, binge drinking can be a serious problem, but how else are college students supposed to foster an environment conducive to date rape?"

    Peter Malone Bricklayer
  • "Most college students aren't even 21, so this is really more of a grad-school issue."

    Annette Brister Interpreter
  • "Forget college. I'm doing my best binge drinking now that I'm in my 40s and have a dead-end job and a fucking albatross of a family."

    Steven Stoudt Systems Analyst
  • "What's wrong with letting off a little steam five to six nights a week?"

    Stephanie Blackledge Dental Hygienist

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